Introverts and our fear of taking up space.

It may shock a lot of people to find out I am introverted. How? - Considering I’m super opinionated and somewhat of an exhibitionist. Well, because I feel most happy, safe and comfortable ALONE! I need ME time to recharge. Whereas extroverts, recharge in connection to others. When I’m feeling low, I need time to myself or only want extremely safe and familiar people in my vicinity. When an extrovert feels low they want to go out with their buddies and engage/distract themselves with the world. It’s withdrawal from the world vs diving into the world as a way of life or as a coping mechanism.

So, we label ourselves these things, “Introvert” or “Extrovert”, but we never really ask ourselves WHY? Are we as introverts just meant to spend the rest of our lives feeling socially anxious, resenting small talk and surface level social interactions forever?

Well this is my take on my why, and how it has actually kept me somewhat imprisoned around others, and how I am learning to become more uninhibited and freer in the presence of others – familiar or not.

At the top of this year I had a tarot reading where she observed that I am quite exclusive – in my own little garden tending to it, but not wanting to let anyone in or go out and trade with others. Protecting myself from the scary outside. Gate locked tight. Unfortunately, the problem with this is it blocks out more life and connection, and it can create a stagnant and lonely existence. Which is how I had felt for quite some time – completely disconnected, isolated, uninspired to go out into the world or to really engage with people. (I have to offer up compassion to myself though, as EVERYTHING serves a purpose. I had been needing to protect myself from the outside for good reason, and needed to regroup from within).

My reader also said how when I’m around people I’m not completely myself, and that makes them uncomfortable too. And my proudly authentic ass got offended, because I was like I’M UNAPOLOGETICALLY MYSELF! But she said the message was so strong, and to pay attention to it.

Well, then Covid-19 hit. I went from essentially feeling like I was living alone (which I LOVED), because my housemate and I had opposite schedules, to now having to share space 24/7. And I felt completely depressed! I caught myself saying “I just can’t wait until I have the house to myself again, so I can feel FREE!”, and that’s when my tarot reader’s message really hit me. I feel the OPPOSITE of FREE in the company of others! I feel restricted! I’m very controlled. I judge that others wouldn’t be able to understand me or my personality etc because they aren’t like me. So, I shrink myself and I’m almost only half there when I’m out in the world.  I judge that how I naturally want to behave might get harsh judgments - and I was too traumatized from feeling rejected and ostracized in the past to risk that.

So, I stayed in my cocoon as much as possible. Even when I attempted/forced myself to try new social experiences, or take up invites to gatherings, I would absolutely HATE being there for the most part. And would regret having even wasted my time trying. 

As time went on through quarantine, I couldn’t handle feeling so shrunk in my own living space. It was very depressing. But, somehow through podcasts, books and epiphanies I was indulging in and experiencing, I decided to make it my goal to take up more space. As in FULLY EXPRESS myself at the risk of being judged “too much” or a “weirdo”, at the risk of rejection – because actually, WHO GIVES A FLYING F*CK what anyone thinks about me being fully embodied in myself. That is truly their business and not mine. I am VALID, being ME. And if I know that, then nothing else matters.

As women especially, we are taught to shrink ourselves for the comfort of others. We don’t even take a full breath – we shrink our belly so that it’s flat – rather than focusing on having sufficient oxygen! TAKE A FULL BREATH! And take up space! You deserve to exist as your full self in every space you encounter. Shout out to author of "F*ck like a Goddess" Alexandra Roxo (pictured above and below) who is the person who brought this shallow breath notion to my awareness! She sits so comfortably in her skin! An embodiment inspo for me!

So, I started making more noise, dancing about, singing and trying to express and be exactly how I would be if no one else was around. And finally, I started to feel more free and relaxed around people. And funnily enough, I’m finding that even in “small talk” or surface encounters I am connecting with others in a much more comfortable and authentic way. I’m not hating and despising it anymore! People are clearly becoming more connected to me, because my WALL isn’t so high, and so dependent on how they receive me (that can be a lot of pressure for people).

Also, in my living dynamic I was usually the only one compromising, and shrinking myself, allowing my housemate to dominate the space. Which I’ve spoken up against and fought for my rights in lately. And I feel SO MUCH HAPPIER at home now! I don’t have so much resentment. I don’t feel stuck in solitary confinement in my bedroom.

When we speak up for ourselves, we feel SO MUCH BETTER! And sometimes others don’t even realize that they aren’t being fair to us. We owe it to ourselves dear introverts, to ASK FOR OUR NEEDS TO BE MET! Don’t put others needs and comforts above your own. You are inferior to none. WE ARE ALL VALID! We can’t wait on others good will to cater to our needs. It is OUR RESPONSIBILITY to ensure they are met.

There’s nothing wrong with recharging in the solitude of our 4-walls, but there is something extremely limiting and heartbreaking about walking around the world so anxious, when we don’t have to! Maybe we aren’t meant to be signed away to a life of isolation and loneliness. Maybe we need to step up to the plate and figure out how to accept and love ourselves SO MUCH that in the face of social rejection we could not care less, we just feel so happy to be free and be ourselves! Lets figure out how to make love to life and engage in the world just as much as we love our own little bubble!!! BALANCE HONEY BOO CHILD!