Are “daddy issues” all bad? How growing up without a father can have a silver lining.

 

THE PAIN

Growing up without a father in a man’s world as a young girl and woman, can be an extremely painful experience. Besides the obvious abandonment wound, it can also mean not knowing how to maneuverer safely in a world that continues to be dominated by men and that still treats women as objects and subservient beings.

Yes, we have made many strides in the world of gender equality, but you have to be truly blind or caught up in your male privilege to believe all is well for women – we still are not treated with the respect of being autonomous individuals.

Autonomous = having the freedom to govern oneself or control one’s own affairs.

If you’ve seen the recent news from Afghanistan to Texas, women are still not given this very basic respect that men have always been given. You see it in the “body count” gender wars, and the double standards around sexuality. You see it in workplaces where it’s still much easier for men to climb the corporate ladder and end up on huge pay checks in comparison to very capable and overlooked women. You see it when women are still consistently described as “crazy and irrational”, and continuously gaslighted in our experiences, especially around sexual assault.

The whole divine feminine has been under attack for centuries. Heck, we live in a world full of HUMANS, that think it’s WEAK to be emotional or HAVE EMOTIONS – which WE ALL HAVE, because it is a part of being HUMAN. That’s a feminine trait that the patriarchy has shat on, and we wonder why we are all so fragmented and nutty up in this bish! 

All this to say, when I was going through my painfully karmic romantic relationship in my late 20’s, where I was consistently traumatized and shamed for my early 20’s - I sat there and I WISHED SO BAD I didn’t have the trauma I did. I wished so bad that my dad never died when I was 7 years old and broke my heart (and as a result, I really struggled to connect with men healthily as a youth and young woman). I wished I could have KNOWN BETTER. I wished I could have been taught self-esteem. I wished I hadn’t been so extremely repressed by Mormonism, and the pendulum hadn’t swung to the opposite extreme.

I wished I had been taught how to be LOVABLE to men.

Because this world teaches women, without a man’s love you’re nothing. What’s wrong with you? Why are you single? Why didn’t you put your personal evolution on pause and plan your entire existence around being a “worthy wife”? Why couldn’t you defy all odds within your blueprint and just know better? Why can’t you defy basic psychology?

I find it very strange and disturbing that any decent human being can look at a young girl who loses her father suddenly at 7 years old – and agree that’s a tragic trauma. But once that same 7-year-old girl becomes a young woman, a 21-year-old etc she is then treated as less than if she displays any behavior that may have come from said trauma! Women everywhere are continuously judged and put down for behavior that has come from trauma. 

THE SILVER LINING

Recently when I took a Spiritual San Pedro Cactus journey I kind of began to see everything around this topic of an absent father in the reverse, the flipped side of the coin – as there is duality in all things.

I was also listening to a Podcast that shared the notion that if you want to look for where your passion is, look to what broke your heart.

Anyone who knows me knows that one of my main passions is championing women as being free and autonomous beings. Fully embodied. Integrated with all sides of self. Being proud sexual beings. Being a Goddess in all areas, from sensual to emotional to Spiritual to healing to nurturing to fierce and everything in between.

I realized the heartbreak of my father dying and the trauma and abandonment of it all, is actually what catapulted my mission, my passion and purpose in this world to be Wāhine Toa – a warrior woman! A warrior for the reclamation and celebration of the divine feminine.

My dad not being there to teach me how to be loved and approved of by a typical man and “safe” initially felt like a hinderance. But do I really wish my life’s purpose had been to be approved of by misogynistic and oppressive men? ABOSULTELY NOT!!!

I have seen it time and time again, and it’s been happening to women for centuries where they completely self-abandon for this very notion, and often time have been mistreated by their Spouse’s, used and abused. It doesn’t make many people truly happy to completely disappear and suppress as an individual in the name of being a “good wife” or a “good woman”. It’s a trap.

And don’t get me started on that bullsh*t “ultimate” compliment people give women: “she puts everyone before herself”. Being a martyr for the convenience of men and erasing my own individuality WAS NOT MY DESTINY! I am here to break that chain! Not just for myself but for my maternal lineage, for my nieces, and for future generations of women!

My journey has been painful and hard, especially around my relationship to the masculine. I have felt very betrayed and mistreated by men. But in the end, I absolutely AM everything I wish to be! A fully embodied and free woman! And this does not make me a bad person, unlovable or a “sl*t”. It means I’ve had a journey and lived a life before settling down and maturing. Just like any man does!

I am so proud of my strength and EVERYTHING I have overcome. I have spent a lot of time in isolation, depression, therapy and shadow work in order to finally come to peace with my journey and have compassion for myself as well as celebrate the brave and bold Spirit I truly am.

So no, my “daddy issues” haven’t damaged me forever. It’s just a part of my story and anyone who holds that against me is not for me. My scars are beautiful and have added so much depth, compassion and wisdom to my Consciousness.

 

IN CONCLUSION

Please, offer women GRACE for our journeys in life and processing of trauma, RESPECT as autonomous beings….and for the ultimate gold star - REVERENCE for the fact that we are the creators of life, and you were born by and of a woman.

Ps. I say this without hating on individual men, it is the system of patriarchy and misogyny that I am attacking! I know men have their own set of trauma and pain, and I hold space and offer compassion for that as well.

Pss. Thank you to all men who are our allies!! Thank you for standing up for women, respecting us and championing our evolution.

Lastly, you can listen to my song "Lotus Interlude" that talks about this healing journey below <3